No, Age Is Not Just a Number

But that doesn't mean aging is bad.

I keep a growing list of potential Substack post topics, currently at 42. I usually plan them out for the next month or so. But I also let the winds and currents of interest and inspiration guide me, going with them rather than against them, as my friend

Ashley Gremel

does in her sailboat. This week, those forces have brought me to the topic of aging — which follows naturally from last month’s focus on women, since women are particularly subject to our culture’s negative view of aging. But the winds and currents of aging can bring us to our most authentic selves. I hope that’s your experience!

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Proof that age is not just a number: toddler me and current me.

The other day, I heard someone say it again: “Age is just a number.” If I had a dollar for every time …

No, it’s not. Age is not just a number. Aging is real. Our bodies change over time, and eventually we die. If age were just a number, we would never grow up. Puberty and menopause would be figments of our imagination. Health insurance would cost the same at any age. We could become professional ballet dancers at age 90.

I get that people don’t want to feel limited or defined by their age. And we shouldn’t be — unless you want to start a career as a professional ballet dancer at age 90, in which case, I have bad news for you.

But the fixation on age being just a number seems to be an extension of our society’s fixation on youth.

Each age has its gifts as well as its drawbacks. I don’t like the fact that my body isn’t what it used to be. But my mind and my spirit are doing better than ever. I’ve learned a lot in all these years — and even gained some wisdom here and there. And like many people at this stage of life, I’m more clear about who I am and more inclined to live in a way that makes sense for me, instead of trying to squeeze into a mold that doesn’t fit me.

It’s only too late if you don’t start now

What stage am I talking about? The second half of life, which we Flower Children are in now. Career coach Barbara Sher, whom I’ve mentioned before and whose book title I stole for this section’s heading, considered this stage one of freedom and achievement. What did she mean? Before 40, she thought, people are basically slaves to biology and culture. Our bodies are urging us to procreate; even if we don’t end up doing that, most of us are pairing up or trying to. Many of us are also chasing others’ definitions of success. That, she promised, starts changing after 40:

“What’s coming is a gradual loosening of the hold that culture and biology have on you, and the arrival of your authentic self. You are losing nothing real by getting older. In fact, you’re moving into a life that’s sure to be more conscious, centered, creative, and energetic than anything you’ve known so far.”

If you want to feel excited about that possibility, do yourself a favor and watch this short video, in which she tells my favorite Barbara Sher story (which some of you have heard me tell already!):

The gorilla-lover in the story found a gorilla-focused group that steered her to volunteer at a zoo, which eventually hired her to work with gorillas.

I can relate to what Barbara Sher says about people going through a lot of life without knowing what they’re supposed to do — even though for most of my adult life, I’ve done work that fits me. I wasn’t an artist pressured to go into lawyering or a lawyer pressured to make art. I’ve worked as an editor, writer, and project manager in various capacities — all of which I’m very well suited to doing. My current day job communicating about solar energy is meaningful and satisfying, and after decades of honing my skills, I feel like I have something of value to contribute.

And yet, when I write this Substack newsletter, I feel like I’m truly doing what I’m meant to do. For me, that’s thinking a lot about all kinds of stuff and writing about it — not in that linear order, because the writing is part of the thinking, and vice versa. I’ve also come late to the realization that I’m what Barbara Sher calls a “scanner” — someone who’s excited by many different topics and feels constrained if forced to focus on just one. Writing my Flower Child posts ticks all the boxes for me.

It took me a while to get here, but getting here is one of the gifts of aging.

Older achievers

Some people are lucky enough to find their perfect vocation early on. But for those who don’t, aging brings new opportunities for exploration and discovery. Starting later doesn’t mean you can’t find what you’re meant to do. Starting later doesn’t mean you can’t achieve great things (or just enjoy yourself while doing what feels right to you) — again, unless you want to become a professional ballet dancer.

Many of my friends and family members have also honed in on their true calling in this latter half of life. Valerie turned her passion for cooking into a business as a teacher and personal chef. Rafael is combining his love of education with his propensity for modeling to create a tool to help students learn better. Antonio, who was always making people laugh at parties, has successfully created a second career as a standup comic. Tony quit his job as a project manager to become a filmmaker. Emily helped start a nonprofit that’s bringing solar-powered light and clean water to rural villagers in Botswana.

Those are a few of the ones who are still working. Retired friends are composing music, painting, taking classes ... the list goes on.

Lately, I’ve been coming across more and more stories of people doing cool things in their later years.

Writing seems to be a common activity to start on the late side. I read the Little House books many times before I learned that Laura Ingalls Wilder published the first one when she was 65. Cynthia Riggs, another late-blooming writer, tells a great story on The Moth about getting married at 81. She also got an MFA at age 69, followed by publishing 14 mystery novels between 2001 and 2018.

Octogenarian stand-up comics are less common, but Natalie Levant and George Saltz both started doing stand-up in their 80s and continued through that decade. Check them out in this short documentary:

Natalie Levant’s feeling that stand-up is where she belongs is exactly what Barbara Sher was talking about.

60 Over 60?

We celebrate young achievers with 30 Under 30 and 40 Under 40 lists. What about 60 Over 60?

I did find this list and this one, but you won’t see 60 Over 60 in Forbes or Fortune. Of course, that’s a reflection of what we value in our culture: youth and money.

While people over 60 (and 50, and 40) have a lot to offer, they experience age discrimination in all areas of life — work being one of the big ones.

I was lucky not to encounter much ageism when making a career transition around age 50, but it comes up here and there. A well-meaning guy at my first solar job talked about helping “sweet old ladies” go solar. Do we all turn sweet as we age? He was perfectly willing to change how he thought and talked about older women after I called him out, but why should I have to call him out? Recently, someone I’d just met over Zoom assured me, while showing me how to edit a client’s website, “Even my 69-year-old mom can do it!” No doubt the great Zoom video filters made him blissfully unaware that I’m (just) in the same decade as his mother, but there was still no reason for him to make that ageist comment.

Of course, ageism can go both ways, but in our youth-worshiping culture older people bear the brunt of it. Working as a consultant has spared me the woes of job-seeking at this age, but I’ve been there before. If you’re struggling to find work after 50, check out Mighty Forces, where

Adam J. Blust

provides insightful guidance and encouragement for older job-seekers.

Can we look forward to a day when people over 50 don’t need special career advice? As the older population grows and more of us remain active, let’s hope our view of aging also begins to shift.

In this TED Talk, anti-ageism activist Ashton Applewhite points out that while most of us get happier as we age, few people are aware of that on account of ageism.

The Happiness U-Curve, from Ashton Applewhite’s TED Talk.

But ageism, which makes the natural transitions of aging seem shameful, can be confronted and potentially changed. When we accept that we’ll all get older — if we’re lucky — maybe we can recognize that older people are not the other. Maybe we can celebrate what we gain with age instead of bemoaning what we lose.

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Do you have examples of older people doing cool stuff? If you’re in the second half of life, are you trying out new things? Let me know in the comments!