Ask Is a Verb
It's active; it's vulnerable; it's a thing we do. But some of us have to learn to do it.
To help more people find Flower Child, if you enjoy this post I ask that you please click the ❤️ at the top or bottom. Thank you!
I was an odd child. I’ve already written about how weird I was — and still am — in many ways. But one thing I didn’t mention is that as a child, I rarely asked for anything I wanted.
When this began, I can’t say. But I clearly remember, as a young child, wanting something — like a toy I saw in a store — but not being able to ask for it. Why, I can’t tell you. Had I been told not to ask? More likely, the message had been more subtle. Did I feel unworthy of having what I wanted? Maybe, but why? I have questions.
For whatever reason, I learned to make myself small and stay quiet. I learned not to ask for what I wanted — or needed.
I’m sure my reluctance stemmed at least in part from observing the passive-aggressive behavior of my mother, typical of women of her time, who weren’t supposed to ask for things directly. Rafael’s mother did the same thing. That tendency didn’t stop with their generation; many of us women Flower Children absorbed that lesson at an early age, and many of us still have to fight the urge. I sometimes catch myself veering toward passive-aggressiveness and have to stop and remind myself to ask for things directly.
There has to be more to it than that, though. My sister grew up with the same mother but never seemed to have trouble asking for things. We’re all a complex result of our environment, upbringing, and innate tendencies.
Whatever the source, I know I’m not alone in having a hard time asking. I know it’s widespread, and it’s not limited to women. Men are reluctant to ask, too: though they can demand stuff, they seem to feel that asking is a sign of weakness, especially if it’s asking for help. You know that joke, Why does it take millions of sperm to fertilize one egg? Because men won’t ask for directions.
How can we learn to ask?
Spoiler: It’s the same way you get to Carnegie Hall.
Though I’m still by no means a master, many years of practice have led to visible improvement in my asking skills. We all get ample opportunities for this practice, ranging from asking a friend for a favor to asking our partner for what we need from them to asking for a promotion at work.
I learned by accident that a rather low-stakes kind of asking was good for building my asking muscle: asking for contributions or action from my community. It’s easier when you’re asking for something positive to benefit others than when you’re asking for something for yourself.
When I was 12, I was decidedly uncomfortable asking friends and neighbors to sponsor me for the Walk for Development walkathon. But I did it because I’d said I would, and I raised some small amount of money for charities. In my early 30s, I had to force myself to knock on doors and ask my Bernal Heights neighbors to plant trees. But I did it because I was pining for more trees (sorry!), and not only did we get trees planted — we got to know the neighbors and started having annual potlucks.
It was later in life, though, that I had a chance to really develop my asking prowess. In 2010, I participated in my first Bay Area Solarthon with the nonprofit GRID Alternatives.
A Solarthon is a solar block party and barn-raiser where hundreds of volunteers come together to install solar in a low-income community. You get people to sponsor you for it, and the money you raise goes to support GRID.
I started out tentatively, emailing my friends, family, and colleagues to ask them to sponsor me. My eagerness to transition my career to solar and my excitement about helping people and planet helped me overcome my reluctance to ask. I was surprised when I raised the most of any individual fundraiser that year. And the next year. And the next year. Well, maybe by then I was no longer surprised. In the end, I was the top individual fundraiser at the Bay Area Solarthon for a decade, raising over $60,000 for GRID. If you’re one of the many who contributed, thank you!
As the years went on, I moved beyond just emailing. I hosted fundraising parties and made fundraising videos — my favorite being my Most Solar Man in the World series, once featured on CleanTechnica, in which I repurposed the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World for a higher purpose than selling beer.
In this first one-minute installment, I introduce The Most Solar Man (if you’ve seen these before, I ask that you bear with me — maybe even watch them again!):
His solar exploits are too many for just one short video. This second installment illustrates the extent of his powers:
The Most Solar Man would like to tell you a bit more about himself:
Yes, the things you have heard about him — they are all true. It is also true that the Solarthons are over, so I’m NOT asking you to donate.
It is also true that “ask” is a verb, not a noun. We have a perfectly good noun for something that you ask for, “request” (if you can’t handle saying that extra syllable, I’m sorry). I couldn’t resist fitting this in here, though I’m not sure if it fits. But maybe it does, because asking is active; it’s a thing we do. It is not a noun. It’s not the passive waiting that our culture taught us.
It is also true that asking is vulnerable; you’re opening yourself to rejection every time you ask. That’s one reason we need to practice. It’s like when I was dating a fair amount and realized that sometimes the other person and I just weren’t a good fit; it didn’t mean there was anything wrong with me. If I hadn’t practiced dating, I might never have had that realization. If you don’t practice asking, you might remain afraid to ask.
Okay, so was this all an elaborate excuse to share my Most Solar Man videos, still the greatest works of film I’ve ever created? Maybe, maybe. But as The Most Solar Man would say, it is also true … that asking for what you want and need is an important skill to learn. I don’t know about you, but I can always use that reminder.
It’s okay to ask. Just don’t use it as a noun.
As the voice actor who dubbed the Most Solar Man, I request that you support Rosana's Flower Child Substack with a small contribution. That is only a request, it is not "an ask". ;-)
Makes the skin crawl.