Your honor, I plead guilty as charged. I hope the court will show mercy. Of course, I could blame my upbringing and the general culture around me. But that would be a lazy excuse. So, I've been attempting more support, because I want to be a more equal partner in the domestic work. I'm still not as good as my partner on this. And I may never be.
Men in our culture have taken for granted that home responsibilities will "naturally" be performed by women. For what it is worth, I think most of us are working way too hard on everything. It is a trap of relative affluence, changing priorities away from home life, and self-delusion that got me here. Conveniences, what a joke! I need to go check the dishes and feed the cats now. It's the least I can do.
You bring up a very good point. In the US, most of us are working too much to begin with. I can only image how it is if you have kids. I’m told life with kids is way easier in the Netherlands, where among the many other supports (and no expectation of helicopter parenting), the fathers are the ones expected to take kids to their sports activities. Don’t know how balanced hetero couples are there in other respects.
This is a topic I’ve been grappling with for years and it’s changed. I’ve always been the more ambitious partner career-wise and I was taking on all the mental load of full time work, travel and managing kids. Hi burnout! So I’d say, we’ve been working on it together since I heard the concept. 2017? 2018? It’s been a while! Eventually I found that I had to 100% let go of the things I asked him to take over. He does it differently, not always on time and that brings some friction, but over time it’s gotten better. It shouldn’t be such a hard thing, but it is.
Yes, that was a whole area I didn't delve into (this post was already getting rather long!). It's really tough letting go of how we do things or the concern that they won't get done on time. All a process, for sure, and likely a long one — but worth taking on. Best wishes to you!
Preach. I have been contemplating this topic as well. I remember when our first child was a newborn and my husband offered to give her a bottle. Grateful, I turned around to see him settling into a comfy chair waiting for me to bring him the baby and prepare and deliver the bottle. 😩😩😩 It makes me laugh now but man when you think about 30+ years of marriage the mental load is real! It’s fucking exhausting!
You are strong!! And thanks so much! Sarah asked me a couple hours before if I could do that Substack Live. It was fun, and I learned some things — including how much I still have to learn about AI!
I never heard the term “mental load” before! I had been referring to the energy it takes to be responsible for the executive functioning of a home and family (when the kids were kids). It’s the same thing; and illustrating the skill set in interviews was helpful when I re-entered the workforce (in case any of those working mothers failed to value those activities in themselves — I had to be careful/sensitive). Thing is, we live in said home, too — and sometimes it seems like it’s not okay to ask that one’s standards are met (especially when one has a truly low bar🙄).
This is the case for most of us, sadly. It's not as simple as labeling men as jerks — though of course, there are many men who are in fact jerks. It's such a pervasive issue and such a tough one to untangle. It sucks that it doesn't feel okay to ask for our standards to be met, and that may have a lot to do with how men are trained, from a very early age, not to care about those standards. All we can do is keep trying, one step at a time, but it certainly is frustrating.
Wow, Rosana, this sure is a hot topic right now on Substack! I recently read Victoria De La Fuente's post, 'I Swore I'd Never Be That Woman,' which addresses these same issues and elicited a diverse range of responses. I had four children, twins in the middle, and a compulsive gambler husband who didn't lift a finger to do anything. I can't even describe the level of exhaustion I felt from all the financial stress on top of doing everything myself all the time. That was in the 70s, 80s and the fact that this discussion is still going on is extremely depressing! Acually, this discussion wasn't going on in my era, because it was just an accepted modus operandi. One of the things I would do differently is not be so damn good at doing it all. God knows how I survived!
Wow, thanks for the reference to Victoria De La Fuente's post — I wish I'd known about it when I wrote mine. I love "I also feel like I’m running a Fortune 500 company out of my brain 24/7, and he’s… an intern with really good vibes."
I guess it truly is a hot topic, and for good reason. I don't even have kids and I feel it, so I can only imagine what it's like for women with kids.
I'm 63, so I can relate to your astonishment that we're still dealing with the same issues. Yes, there's been progress (I mean, men do a bit more than then, and we're discussing it), but no, it hasn't been nearly enough.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! At least, we know we're not alone.
I've had this open to read for more than a week but only just got to it because I've been mentally overloaded. Your piece really resonated with me. It's comforting to know I'm not the only person experiencing this frustrating phenomenon of the really amazing husband who just doesn't understand that I do the bulk of the work around the house. And I don't think it's having to do the work that I resent, it's that he seems to be the only person in our wide circle of family and friends who doesn't get it. He really thinks he does a lot. And he does some stuff, and I've told him a million times that I understand that the division of labor is unequal because he works about 90 hours a week and earns the bulk of the money and that's because he loves what he does and is bad at saying no. I just wish he could acknowledge that as easily as I can. And he seems unable to do. We've seen the same therapist on and off for nearly 33 years, since the summer before we got married. Sometimes we see her together, sometimes alone. Next week I'm going back to see her in hopes she can help me figure out how to navigate this, because it's really irking me.
Best wishes on that! You can always try the Post-it Notes Challenge, though that could be tough if your husband works so many hours outside the home. (My husband also works a ton.) You are certainly NOT alone. I don't know any heterosexual married woman who feels the division of labor in the home is equal, even ones married to cool "Berkeley guys" who talk the talk. It's tough to figure it out, because it's more of a societal problem than an individual problem, yet the onus for solving it is put on the individual. This is true in so many areas (see my post https://flowerchild.substack.com/p/bothand). Thanks so much for reading and commenting — and I appreciate your first sentence! Yes, it's hard to get to anything, and I'm constantly amazed and overwhelmed by all the project management thoughts swirling around in my brain.
I actually was thinking I'd like to try the Post-it Notes challenge. He works mostly at home now, but he works ridiculously long hours, and travels a lot. Anyway, I'll read more of your stuff. I'm grateful to find writers like you on this platform.
Your honor, I plead guilty as charged. I hope the court will show mercy. Of course, I could blame my upbringing and the general culture around me. But that would be a lazy excuse. So, I've been attempting more support, because I want to be a more equal partner in the domestic work. I'm still not as good as my partner on this. And I may never be.
Men in our culture have taken for granted that home responsibilities will "naturally" be performed by women. For what it is worth, I think most of us are working way too hard on everything. It is a trap of relative affluence, changing priorities away from home life, and self-delusion that got me here. Conveniences, what a joke! I need to go check the dishes and feed the cats now. It's the least I can do.
You bring up a very good point. In the US, most of us are working too much to begin with. I can only image how it is if you have kids. I’m told life with kids is way easier in the Netherlands, where among the many other supports (and no expectation of helicopter parenting), the fathers are the ones expected to take kids to their sports activities. Don’t know how balanced hetero couples are there in other respects.
Thanks for letting me include you in my post!
Check out the Fair Play deck. It’s like all the post-it notes already printed out, probably with about 50 neither of you thought of.
Oh, great tip, thank you!
This is a topic I’ve been grappling with for years and it’s changed. I’ve always been the more ambitious partner career-wise and I was taking on all the mental load of full time work, travel and managing kids. Hi burnout! So I’d say, we’ve been working on it together since I heard the concept. 2017? 2018? It’s been a while! Eventually I found that I had to 100% let go of the things I asked him to take over. He does it differently, not always on time and that brings some friction, but over time it’s gotten better. It shouldn’t be such a hard thing, but it is.
Yes, that was a whole area I didn't delve into (this post was already getting rather long!). It's really tough letting go of how we do things or the concern that they won't get done on time. All a process, for sure, and likely a long one — but worth taking on. Best wishes to you!
Preach. I have been contemplating this topic as well. I remember when our first child was a newborn and my husband offered to give her a bottle. Grateful, I turned around to see him settling into a comfy chair waiting for me to bring him the baby and prepare and deliver the bottle. 😩😩😩 It makes me laugh now but man when you think about 30+ years of marriage the mental load is real! It’s fucking exhausting!
It really is. At least it seems like people are talking about the issue more now! Let's hope things actually improve.
That would be nice!
I promised myself I wouldn’t clean my boyfriend’s condo when we started dating. Holding 💪🏼!
Stay strong! 😊
Five years strong! On an unrelated note, great job in the AI interview with
Sarah Fay!
You are strong!! And thanks so much! Sarah asked me a couple hours before if I could do that Substack Live. It was fun, and I learned some things — including how much I still have to learn about AI!
I love that you were able to accommodate on the fly! Yes, as I listened, I thought, I need to learn more about this technology.
I never heard the term “mental load” before! I had been referring to the energy it takes to be responsible for the executive functioning of a home and family (when the kids were kids). It’s the same thing; and illustrating the skill set in interviews was helpful when I re-entered the workforce (in case any of those working mothers failed to value those activities in themselves — I had to be careful/sensitive). Thing is, we live in said home, too — and sometimes it seems like it’s not okay to ask that one’s standards are met (especially when one has a truly low bar🙄).
This is the case for most of us, sadly. It's not as simple as labeling men as jerks — though of course, there are many men who are in fact jerks. It's such a pervasive issue and such a tough one to untangle. It sucks that it doesn't feel okay to ask for our standards to be met, and that may have a lot to do with how men are trained, from a very early age, not to care about those standards. All we can do is keep trying, one step at a time, but it certainly is frustrating.
Wow, Rosana, this sure is a hot topic right now on Substack! I recently read Victoria De La Fuente's post, 'I Swore I'd Never Be That Woman,' which addresses these same issues and elicited a diverse range of responses. I had four children, twins in the middle, and a compulsive gambler husband who didn't lift a finger to do anything. I can't even describe the level of exhaustion I felt from all the financial stress on top of doing everything myself all the time. That was in the 70s, 80s and the fact that this discussion is still going on is extremely depressing! Acually, this discussion wasn't going on in my era, because it was just an accepted modus operandi. One of the things I would do differently is not be so damn good at doing it all. God knows how I survived!
Wow, thanks for the reference to Victoria De La Fuente's post — I wish I'd known about it when I wrote mine. I love "I also feel like I’m running a Fortune 500 company out of my brain 24/7, and he’s… an intern with really good vibes."
I guess it truly is a hot topic, and for good reason. I don't even have kids and I feel it, so I can only imagine what it's like for women with kids.
I'm 63, so I can relate to your astonishment that we're still dealing with the same issues. Yes, there's been progress (I mean, men do a bit more than then, and we're discussing it), but no, it hasn't been nearly enough.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! At least, we know we're not alone.
I've had this open to read for more than a week but only just got to it because I've been mentally overloaded. Your piece really resonated with me. It's comforting to know I'm not the only person experiencing this frustrating phenomenon of the really amazing husband who just doesn't understand that I do the bulk of the work around the house. And I don't think it's having to do the work that I resent, it's that he seems to be the only person in our wide circle of family and friends who doesn't get it. He really thinks he does a lot. And he does some stuff, and I've told him a million times that I understand that the division of labor is unequal because he works about 90 hours a week and earns the bulk of the money and that's because he loves what he does and is bad at saying no. I just wish he could acknowledge that as easily as I can. And he seems unable to do. We've seen the same therapist on and off for nearly 33 years, since the summer before we got married. Sometimes we see her together, sometimes alone. Next week I'm going back to see her in hopes she can help me figure out how to navigate this, because it's really irking me.
Best wishes on that! You can always try the Post-it Notes Challenge, though that could be tough if your husband works so many hours outside the home. (My husband also works a ton.) You are certainly NOT alone. I don't know any heterosexual married woman who feels the division of labor in the home is equal, even ones married to cool "Berkeley guys" who talk the talk. It's tough to figure it out, because it's more of a societal problem than an individual problem, yet the onus for solving it is put on the individual. This is true in so many areas (see my post https://flowerchild.substack.com/p/bothand). Thanks so much for reading and commenting — and I appreciate your first sentence! Yes, it's hard to get to anything, and I'm constantly amazed and overwhelmed by all the project management thoughts swirling around in my brain.
I actually was thinking I'd like to try the Post-it Notes challenge. He works mostly at home now, but he works ridiculously long hours, and travels a lot. Anyway, I'll read more of your stuff. I'm grateful to find writers like you on this platform.
Thank you!!