We Aren't All Grandmothers

But we older women still have stuff to offer

May 13, 2025

Women my age are almost always referred to as grandmothers. In the past, that would have been true for most of us. And yes, it’s true for many today.

But not for all of us. Just as older women aren’t all sweet — or frail, feisty, forgetful, or whatever else you want to call us — we also aren’t all grandmothers.

Lately, I’ve been noticing how often we’re called grandmothers, and Mother’s Day had me thinking about it again. (If you want to know what I think of Mother’s Day, go here and here.)

As I’m reminded on that day — and on other days, like the days when I find myself feeling out of place among all the mom influencers out there — a lot of us don’t have children, let alone grandchildren. Given declining birth rates, the number of child-free women will only go up, as will the number of women who are not grandmothers.

So why is it standard to refer to older women as grandmothers?

We’re more than our reproductive history

Even if we were all grandmothers, that would be just one thing about us. It might or might not be the most interesting thing about us. Yet it’s the thing that most often gets called out.

I present to you a few headlines I spotted recently in the wild: “Grandmother escapes deadly tornado that destroyed her home by taking refuge in church.” “The grandmother who started doing triathlons in her late 50s.” “Grandmother recovering after serious hit-and-run crash.”

How might these headlines be written if they were about men? They might look something like this: “Farmer escapes deadly tornado that destroyed his home by taking refuge in church.” “The doctor who started doing triathlons in his late 50s.” “Man recovering after serious hit-and-run crash.”

Women are less likely than men to be described by their occupation or even their gender; it’s our reproductive status that’s considered the most important thing about us.

Would we use other characteristics to describe women in these contexts? You wouldn’t expect these headlines: “Tall woman escapes deadly tornado that destroyed her home by taking refuge in church.” “The extrovert who started doing triathlons in her late 50s.” “Lesbian recovering after serious hit-and-run crash.”

Of course, there’s more to us than any one characteristic — and there’s certainly more to us than whether we’ve reproduced.

We can be wise without being grandmothers

I recently received an email celebrating the “wisdom of a grandmother.” What does that mean?

Humans stand out among animals as one of the few species with grandmothers who stop reproducing and help raise their children’s children. According to the “grandmother hypothesis,” this extra help enables mothers to have more children and to keep more of them alive, while allowing grandmothers to pass down their genes to more humans. (Why don’t grandfathers take on this role? Why?)

This is less true now than it was back when we evolved in hunter-gatherer societies; it matters how close the children live to their grandmothers, and most of us are more spread out these days. But today’s children who live near their grandmothers also benefit.

It’s not just about having another pair of hands to keep children alive; non-reproducing grandmothers are also repositories of knowledge that can help a group survive. This is borne out in studies of the few other animals who have these types of grandmothers, like killer whales. Female killer whales continue to live after they can no longer reproduce, and their menopausal grandmothers are the ones who lead the group in salmon foraging, especially in years when salmon are scarce.

That’s cool to learn about, but do we need to be grandmothers to serve in this role?

We all gain wisdom and experience as we age — at least, if we’re lucky — not just grandmothers. I’m sure women who are mothers and grandmothers learn things I never will, but at 63 I have plenty of life experience. I mean, if I were a killer whale I’d know where to find the salmon as much as any killer whale my age who’d had kids and grandkids.

In my North Oakland neighborhood, though, I don’t get to lead many salmon-foraging expeditions. My friends with kids don’t live in close proximity, and I don’t know my neighbors’ kids that well.

Not being a grandmother

It goes without saying that we’d all be better off if we older women who aren’t grandmothers had more ways to share our wisdom — and if that wisdom were appreciated in our youth-worshiping culture.

I won’t spend time going into how ageist our culture is, or how much worse ageism is for women than for men. You already know that. You do know that, don’t you?

Whether you know it or not, I could say so much about all that. So much. But my focus here is on a particular form of ageism melded with sexism — call it grandmotherism, or grannyism. My focus is on how we older women are seen through a much-too-narrow lens.

Apart from reducing all older women from the multi-faceted humans we are to just one facet, grannyism also does a disservice to those of us who aren’t grandmothers. It keeps us from being seen for who we are. It minimizes our contributions; there are so many ways to contribute to the world besides being a grandmother. And it limits us to roles defined by our biology; aren’t there ways I can grandmother without being a grandmother? (Ugh, I can’t believe I just used a noun as a verb! I’m against that — against that, I tell you!)

Our society, as currently structured, doesn’t provide many opportunities for that. I suppose I need to go out and find some, challenging though it is in a culture so lacking in connection and community.

In the meantime, I confess that I feel sad I’ll never be a grandmother. Come to think of it, neither will my mother. That adds another layer of annoyance to being called one.

We childless cat ladies get plenty of reminders every single day that we aren’t mothers. Do we also need constant reminders that we’re not grandmothers? No. No, we do not.

So next time you’re about to call an older woman a grandmother, or you hear that term being applied willy-nilly to all of us, stop and think before you speak; stop and question what you’re hearing. Can you think of other things to call us? Wait, don’t tell me! Just think about it, will you?

If you’ve heard older women randomly called grandmothers and have thoughts on that — or if you hadn’t thought of it till this minute and have thoughts on that — please leave a comment. I love hearing from you! Just don’t tell me what else you want to call me. ☺️ Just kidding, say anything you want!

Flower Child

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